First, go buy a white cashmere sweater. And don't spend a million dollars on one. But don't skimp either because then it will pill in like five minutes and you'll have to give it away with the rest of your ugly clothes. Here's a suggestion:
Next, you need dark skinny jeans. You do NOT need to spend hundreds of dollars on jeans. I am going to tell you where to buy your jeans, and you are going to thank me later. This information was passed on to me by T-Dawg, and I am forever grateful. Here are your new jeans:
Also, know this - you do not have to weigh 98 lbs to wear skinny jeans. Not if you wear them with boots. Which leads me to the next item in the line-up:
Now that you have boots, you need a bag. One big enough to hold your laptop (unless you were greedy and bought one with a 17" screen, which really, why?) and your folders and your make-up bag and your hairbrush and your hairspray (that's right, I said hairspray. It has changed my life. But that's a story for another day) and also has pockets for your phone and pens and stuff. Luckily for you, I have found this bag:
Because so far this is all kind of boring, you must buy a big gold watch and a chunky gold bracelet. Then you will look like you know what is "in this season" and people will like you more. I'm pretty sure about that first part, at least.
And then, to cover it all up, a trench coat. A good one. Don't be afraid to lay out some cash for a good trench coat. Here's one from Burberry that is actually (relatively) reasonably priced:
Now before you guys go all apeshit on me, yelling about how you ain't spending no $995 dollars on a coat, calm down and listen to me. Back in 2000, I spent $700 that I could ill-afford on a Burberry trench coat, rationalizing to myself that I would have it forever. Sure enough, 11 years later, I still have it and wear it all the time. So there you go. Suck it up. Spend the money; you won't regret it. I promise.
Looking back on this post and doing the math (not my strong suit, I will readily admit) I see that I am suggesting you go out and drop about 2K on your fall wardrobe. I should feel bad about this, but I do not. I can't go out and spend two thousand dollars on shit right now, not unless I want the next time I see Ted to be across the table in a divorce lawyer's office. But SOMEONE should! Why not you? And look, you don't have to buy everything. I mean, what, if I told you to jump off a bridge would you go do that? Well, you should, because I am always right. Just ask... Um, ask... Just forget it. Get off my back. I'm trying to HELP you! Fine. I'm going to finish this bottle of champagne now. See you tomorrow.