GOLD RUSH

"You know what look I'm excited for this fall?" I asked my friend Cynthia last weekend. Then I wondered when the fuck I became someone who talked about "looks" for different seasons, as though I actually have any fashion sense. My wardrobe consists mainly of items off the sale rack at J. Crew and Talbots (don't laugh, they have some really nice stuff!) and my "look" consists mainly of habits like wearing the same pair of earrings 90% of the time.

But nonetheless, I am very excited about the trend towards chunky gold jewelry, not least because I already own a chunky gold watch. Well, I should probably say "gold" watch. OK, it's a Swatch. But it is gold (or rather "gold") and I love it. I bought it on a girls' trip to Paris that was the first time I left my firstborn son overnight and Cynthia and I got so drunk and loud on the plane that several other passengers complained to the flight crew. Ah, good times. So Cynthia and I will always have Paris, and a gold Swatch to remember it by:

And starting with this one item, I am going to build a "look" that will leave me closely resembling the woman in this picture:

All I need is blonde hair, an expensive cashmere camel sweater, an even more expensive bag, to drop 10 pounds, and lots of nice chunky bracelets. Fortunately for Ted, as a vegan I try to buy bags that aren't real leather, and synthetic bags tend to not be very expensive. Unfortunately for Ted, I have my eye on several bracelets to complete my "look":

See? All set. I am going to forego the blonde hair, though - when I wear a blonde wig I look like a transvestite. This is not me being modest, it's the truth. I was once at a Halloween party in a blonde wig and heard someone say about me "Oh, look, there's a transvestite." I was a flight attendant. Last Halloween I was Taylor Swift, and someone thought I was supposed to be a female impersonator dressed as Cher. She didn't think I was dressed as Cher, she thought I was dressed as a MAN dressed as Cher. So perhaps blonde is not the way to go for me. Some people are just meant to have brown hair. Now if I can just find a cashmere camel cowl neck sweater...

XOXOXO

ABC