PROJECT: KITCHEN FACELIFT

In addition to my friends and relations clients (more them and the progress or lack thereof that we are making on their projects tomorrow. Tune in!) I am working on some projects here at the old homestead. One is Enter, if You Dare, another is I NEED a Bar Cart, and the one I'm talking about today is Kitchen Facelift.

When we moved into this house, we pretty much spent every dime we had on the house and the move, so all we did was remove (almost) all the wallpaper, and paint. We were lucky that although the kitchen had last been updated in the 80s, the owners did an amazing job and while it wasn't exactly what I would have done myself, it was fine. Because we didn't have a choice; we were going to have to live with it, even if it had been Harvest Gold formica and linoleum floors.

However. After two years, I have realized that I dislike the kitchen. I really dislike it. I don't hate it, but I'm getting there. I am going to be brave and post "before" photos of the kitchen as it is now. Please consider that no spiffing up was done before I took these photos, and you are seeing it warts and all. This is brave because it's going to be a while before there are "after" photos to cleanse your mind of the horror show that is my current kitchen. Here it is from one angle:

Ignore the child. And the crappiness of the photo. I am trying to convince Ted that we desperately need an SLR camera, that it is an investment not only in my "business" but in how we document our children's lives. So far he is managing to resist my arguments. Here is one side of the kitchen from the opposite angle:

Ignore the random chicken that was a wedding present from my mother's cousin and his wife. It's not a cookie jar. It's not a pitcher. It doesn't do anything, it just IS.  We call him Frank. Here's the other side of the kitchen from the same angle:

Now I bet you're thinking, "Oh, that's not so bad! What is she bitching about?" That's because you can't really appreciate the details, like the countertop, which should be called "cat barf" because that's exactly what it looks like:

And believe me, I know cat barf. A cat could actually vomit on the counter and you wouldn't know until you went to put a pot down or something and heard a squish. Sadly, I am speaking from experience. Also, the cooktop and ovens are 25 years old and gross:

Also, what the fuck do I need with two ovens? I cannot cook to save my life and have no desire to change this fact. I host Thanksgiving, so maybe one day a year I use two ovens and Auntie Ann Burr and Uncle Michael and assorted cousins come over and are forced to pretend that what I serve is actually edible. Except for the dishes that my mother prepares, it is not.

And the oven/cooktop in the top photo is vile. Really, really disgusting. And even worse is the range hood. I am going to post a picture of the grossness that is the range hood so you can all feel better about yourselves and your kitchens:

I mean, that looks like something from a kitchen in an apartment in the projects that's about to be condemned. Do I live in a crack den? I do not. I know this because there is no crack to be had for love or money in this place and I am forced to settle for wine. AND, as a sign from God, fucking disgusting fruit flies have moved into my kitchen, taken up residence in the range hood (as far as I can tell, at least) and show no signs of leaving. So the kitchen, in addition to being unlovely to look at, is now infested with bug vermin. Good times.

I don't have the money (nor, frankly, the motivation or the energy) for a gut renovation of this disaster. And it doesn't really need one - the wood floors are great, and the cabinets are solid wood and were just repainted in Benjamin Moore Linen, and... that's about all. So here are my plans for Operation: Kitchen Facelift. Replace the counter and the backsplash. Replace the sinks with undermount ones. Replace the lovely "gold" cabinet hardware thats finish is flaking off. Replace the first oven/cooktop with a new one. And as for the second oven, well, as I mentioned, it only gets used one day a year. However, you know what I do EVERY day? Drink a shitload of beverages! And you know what else? I'm really lazy! So I don't like having to walk downstairs to the fridge in the garage every time I need a frosty bev and realize that I drank the last Diet Coke in the upstairs fridge 45 minutes ago. So I want to replace that oven with an under-the-counter beverage refrigerator. Genius! (if I do say so myself).

Here is the general look I am going for:

I even have a window over the sink! Look:

The kitchen also has a breakfast nook (seriously? Did I just use the phrase "breakfast nook"? I need a drink) and I want to build a banquette against the walls and have it end up looking something like this:

Here are the elements with which I (and by "I" I mean "Gerard," our long-suffering and remarkably handsome contractor who has very blue eyes and an adorable Irish brogue) am going to make this transformation happen:

My new range!

My new range hood!

My new beverage fridge! 

(By the way, it is very hard to find a white beverage fridge. I guess manufacturers think that if you are fancy enough to have a beverage fridge, you are fancy enough to afford stainless appliances. But I LIKE white appliances. Screw stainless and those grubby fingerprints all over it all the time, no matter how often you clean! Not that I clean very often, but whatever.)

My new cabinet hardware!

My new backsplash!

And last but most important, the countertop. I have not yet decided whether to go with white/grey granite, black granite, or a sort of goldish/tan granite. So here examples of all three potential granite choices:

Feel free to weigh in on your favorite in the comments. (No, really. Comment. Please. I am dying for people to comment. So far the only commenters are my mother and my best friend and my sister and it's just getting depressing.)

So that's Operation: Kitchen Facelift and I can't wait for it to begin. Well, really, I can't wait for it to be over. And then I will post beautiful "after" photos with my new SLR camera and all will be right with the world.

XOXOXO

ABC