Thursday, October 6, 2011


I have offered my services to a select group of friends and relatives people, and there are a few who have availed themselves of the opportunity to become paying customers. Said services, however, are not limited to interior design. I also tell you how to change the way you live your life in order to get the most out of this fucking circus called human existence. Basically, I will sort your shit out, you guys. I know it's hard to imagine that there aren't crowds lined up at my door, begging to shell out money for me to boss them within an inch of their lives, but I currently have a mere five clients. Some need more help than others. Client #1, also known as Terry or T-Dawg, for example, has a variety of issues. Her house is a borderline disaster, and her marriage and career aren't faring much better. So she's signed up for the full package, plus a video of her kids that she can watch when she gets depressed about the current shitshow that is her life. Client #3, Laura, really only needs some major wardrobe editing and shopping accompaniment and advice. Client #4, Cynthia, has handed over all her video tapes and photos of her adorable sons and will be getting a video set to music that she plans on giving her husband for Christmas, and Client #5 doesn't even know they are a client because their video is a surprise. So I am busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest these days, but that's OK because I ROCK at kicking ass. Whatever, at least I now have a bar in my own home where I can self-medicate and procrastinate drink responsibly and get my creative mojo on.

Today, we'll be discussing Client #2, my sister who shall remain anonymous:

Me and my sister aka "Sissy"
Whoops! Sissy has any number of problems, but we have prioritized and put her apartment first, starting with her bedroom that currently lacks almost any furniture at all. Seriously. Sissy has a bed that needs to be painted, two bedside tables, and a chair that's currently upholstered in truly hideous fabric, and that's it. She's dreaming of a palette of white and grey with green accents, and I put together a couple of boards for her using these guidelines. Board one:

She said she liked it, but I wasn't feeling enough enthusiasm in her reaction for my personal liking. So I kept at it, and eventually sent along boards two and three:

With Boards #2 and #3, I elicited a gasp of delight and an "I love it!," so we're going to proceed along these lines, with darker, more intense, jewel-tone greens and bedding with simple lines. I have my eye on this set from PBTeen:

But with plain white sheets. Our first jobs involve painting - we're going to do the walls in grey. I'm thinking Benjamin Moore Revere Pewter:

or perhaps something slightly darker, while leaving the window sills and sashes white and keeping the hardwood floors bare. We're also going to paint the bed white to go with the bedside tables. We'll have to get some more actual furniture in there too - like a dresser for clothes, a trunk/storage bench for the end of the bed, maybe a couple of bookshelves. Budget = limited, so we'll have to be creative and hunt for bargains; I'm counting heavily on sale items from Home Goods and Pier One, as well as my old stand-bys Etsy and Craigs List. But it's not all basics, we also want to make Sissy's bedroom beautiful. Here are a few decorative items I have in mind:

Agate Bookends

Slipcover for Ugly Thrift Store Chair
Art for Wall
I am trying to convince her to add some sparing notes of purple to balance out the color scheme, something like this pillow:

Purple Pillow for Chair

but I'm not sure she's going to go for it. In the end, she's just going to have to trust me, though, or I will post the "before" pictures of her ugly bedroom and she will never again be able to leave for the shame. Although once I'm done with it, her apartment will be so nice she'll never WANT to leave. Win-win, you guys! She also obviously needs this hung in a very prominent place - I'm thinking opposite her bed so it's the first thing she sees every morning:

Right? Share your thoughts! Especially the ones about how you love my ideas! Just kidding (not really).

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November 29, 2011 at 9:46 AM

Well good news everything is going well, keep it up!

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