Monday, October 10, 2011


You guys, I am seriously hating Home Depot right now. I know in my head that this is temporary, and that there will come a time when I will walk through those doors, find exactly what I need, and love Home Depot once again, but right now my heart is full of hate for the HD. See, Ted and I had planned this super-productive trip to said superstore this past Sunday (yeah, that's how we roll. Big plans on a Sunday afternoon). We were going to buy a million things that would allow us to then cross a million things off our "TO DO" list. Ted is very big on "TO DO" lists. I like them myself, don't get me wrong, but I usually end up losing the list itself which makes the whole thing sort of pointless. Ted never loses his lists.

One of the many things that we wanted to buy from Home Depot was a grill. Here is our current grill, which was left here by the previous owners of the house:

Anyway, Ted wants a new grill, and my mom was here, and Ted was all, "We need a new grill, we've had this one for two years and it's kind of old and doesn't work that well." And my mom thought we had bought the grill when we moved into the house, and it was only two years old, and was thinking to herself for days, "WTF? These assholes are so fancy they can't cook on a two-year-old grill? What's wrong with the daughter I raised and this jerk she married?" and every time Ted would mention getting a new grill, she'd be like, "Really?" and we'd be like,"Yes, really, and why the fuck do you care, anyway?" and it took a while for us to realize that she thought we were assholes, and for her to realize that the grill is actually about 10 years old and really doesn't work very well, and then the whole thing was kind of funny.

So Ted and I left the brats with my mom and headed off to Home Depot. Ted's all excited because he found some deal where we can buy a ton of shit and not pay for it for a year. This is the kind of financial magic Ted loves, and with which he apparently keeps us out of the poorhouse and off food stamps.

The first sign it was going to be a bad trip was that none of the grills had prices on them, and it took a woman literally 45 MINUTES of looking up things in a large book and on a computer while we stood there only to tell us that she didn't know how much any of the grills cost and wasn't going to be able to find out before tomorrow. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? What the fucking fuck?!

So we headed over to the flooring department, where we tried to purchase some engineered-wood flooring for the playroom in the basement that I am trying to turn into a mudroom. Here's why we need new flooring:

Current Floor
And that's the fancy part. Here's the area right in front of the door to the backyard where there's a piece of plywood covering up a hole that leads to sewer pipes and things:

Nice, right? Well, we're going to be looking at it a little while longer, because at first there was no one to help us, and then when some guy did show up, he was actually WORSE than no one. I asked where the engineered-wood flooring was and he started to interrogate me about my plans for said flooring. When I got through that, I asked how one could tell whether the flooring one was looking on the shelves at was in stock or had to be ordered. He said there was no way, other than to go through every single box that was stacked on the floor under the shelves and see which boxes had which flooring in them. And also, he said if it wasn't in stock, it would take three weeks to get here. We got into a sort of a fight at this point. Not a fist fight or anything, just a bit of a testy exchange. After he stormed off in a huff, Ted pointed out that in the corner of every piece of flooring on the shelves was a sticker that said either "In Stock" or "Quick Order - 7 Days!" So basically the Home Depot guy is either a moron or a liar or both (my vote), while I am only a moron for not noticing the stickers myself. Winning!

We also needed to get a medicine cabinet for Mercy's bathroom. Mercy is our nanny, an amazing human being who is much better at parenting my children than I am, a wonderful cook, and basically my wife, and the reason that Ted and I are still married. She lives with us 4 nights a week and goes home to her equally wonderful husband Tito Louis for the other 3 nights. We recently partially redid her bathroom and currently hanging above her sink is this:

which we found in the garage when we moved in. Mercy deserves better for a mirror, and also deserves some grout around that last row of tiles, come to think of it. Jesus, Gerard! Get on it! So I was going to get a medicine cabinet/mirror and ask Gerard to hang it up when he comes back to do the grout and screw in that other lightbulb. I believe we've already covered how lightbulbs are not Ted's forte. But back to Home Depot. The only medicine cabinet we could find in an actual box available for sale was $229.99 and while I love Mercy, that shit was not going to happen. Conveniently, Home Depot was out of the medicine cabinets that cost $29.99, $37.99 and $79.99, at least as far as we could tell. This, you guys, is when I lost what little enthusiasm I had left for our entire venture.

Another item we planned to grab was a new set of fire tools. Our current set of tools, while attractive enough:

was a wedding present which means that it's seven years old, or will be in November. Also, it's missing the tongs, which, let's face it, are really the most (not to say only) important tool in a fire tool set. And the brushed nickel finish doesn't go AT ALL with my living room which who cares, but I care. I want a nice set of iron fire tools that includes tongs.* Which Home Depot had, but they only had one. The display one. I tried to take the display up to the register and see if I could buy it (THAT had a motherfucking price on it, at least) but it was chained to the shelf. Apparently 3-foot-tall, really heavy, bulky, metal items are a favorite among the five-finger-discount crowd. This was strike four, and I was about to cry or go apeshit on someone, and Ted has been with me long enough that he can tell when a storm's a brewin' and we got the fuck out of there, never mind all the other things on our list.

The upside to this disaster is that I got to buy all these things online (yay!) which I did (except for the grill because we don't really need it till the spring and were only getting it now because of the awesome don't-pay-until-next-year deal), and not one of them from Home Depot. Here's the new medicine cabinet for Mercy:

$21.99 from

Here are my new fire tools;

$75 from

And here is the beautiful new floor for the playroom-that-will-soon-be-a-mudroom (so help me God, I will make that transformation happen):

$2.68 sq ft

And the best part is that while I was poking around on the Interwebs at about 2 AM, I found the lamp that I want for the entryway, except instead of $520 it was $162.50! For the same fucking lamp!

$162.50 from
Can you believe it? I can barely believe it myself. So in retrospect, it was a really productive Sunday.


*This doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but Ted and I follow the traditional wedding anniversary gift themes, which can be kind of tough when the tradition gift theme, is, for example, leather (third) or wood (fifth). Last year, it was iron, which was also tricky, but I got Ted a lovely wrought iron glider for the porch because no one loves a porch swing more than Ted. And I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I get a lovely set of fire tools made of iron? I mean, what are the odds that your wife actually WANTS something made of iron? Very slim. It was a slam dunk for Ted. But instead I got... wait for it... NOTHING. That's right. Nothing. I put on a brave face (very unlike me; I must have taken extra medication that day), and said that since the swing was built for two, it could be a gift for both of us. You know, like I gave him half a swing and he gave me half a swing. But I was pissed. And I love to hold a grudge like Ted loves to swing on a porch, so it's going to be a while before I let this go. What's the seventh anniversary theme, you may be wondering? Oh, copper. That's right. I can't WAIT to see what I get come November.
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November 25, 2011 at 9:32 AM

That BBQ needs a good old clear up, everything is looking great though.

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