No, I am not referring to the Eagles game, which sucked my ass (in fact, being an Eagles fan sucks my ass right now. It's bad enough that we have a disgusting dog murderer for a QB, can't he even win us any fucking games???). I am also not talking about the Giants game, which also sucked my ass, or the Jets game, which I had to turn off in the middle to avoid the possibility of watching that insufferable smug bastard Tom Brady win a game. I am speaking of Tailgate Toss, which is called Cornhole by people who have no class and/or manners (i.e. most of America). Whatever you call it, it ROCKS. Normally, I would be concerned about overselling something, you know, building it up so much that when you actually go and play, it can never measure up to the amazing picture I have created in your head. But I have no such fear in this case, because this is the best game ever.
Now, I am not a particularly athletic, or even active person. In fact, I have been called such things as "lazy" and "sedentary" merely because I would rather sit on a couch than go for a run, and if someone is already getting up, I see no reason why they shouldn't get me a drink (or more likely a refill) while they're at it. That way I can stay where I am in my comfortable seat on the couch. See how it works? So when it comes to games I am a fan of ones that involve sitting around on a couch and answering trivia questions or drawing pictures or drinking or all three. Or just drinking. Whatever. But I do like some sports, mostly the ones that you can play and drink beer at the same time. Like bowling. Or darts. Or beer pong. Or, apparently, professional baseball. Tailgate Toss, as you may have deduced from the name, falls into this category. You basically stand in place and chuck beanbags at a wooden board with a hole in it, trying to get your beanbags in the hole. It might give you some sense of my fitness level when I tell you that after one afternoon of this, I woke up sore the next day.
I have only played once. And I wasn't very good (which makes it kind of surprising that I liked it at all, since I usually only enjoy activities when I'm really good at them right away. Much like I really only enjoy parties when most people are paying attention to me). But I got really into it. And when I get into something (or someone, for that matter) I don't do things halfway. And the thing about Tailgate Toss is that you have to have the equipment to play it. Two big wooden boards and eight beanbags, to be exact.
My New Friend Sparky has his own boards that he painted himself, which he brought over the other day to teach me how to play. But I could tell right away that he was not going to be a reliable source of equipment, in part because he wouldn't take me up on my very generous offer to let him keep his boards and beanbags at my house even though I have a huge house and a dry garage and he has a small apartment and a wet basement. I think he was concerned that I was trying to steal his stuff, which is ridiculous as his boards are adorned with the Florida Marlins logo and therefore embarrassing and not even that attractive.
The only option was to get my own equipment. You can buy boards that are pre-painted, but that seemed like it was for losers. So I got naked wooden boards (you can also make your own boards, but I know my limits) and spent the weekend on the porch painting. Here are my new Tailgate Toss boards:
The theme (apparently one's boards are supposed to have a theme) is Carbonation. What? That makes no sense, you say? Well, you're kind of right, but fuck off. Consider that you are usually drinking beer while playing, and beer is carbonated, and so is Magner's Hard Cider which is really good and you should try it, and so is champagne, all of which are awesome beverages. I know, it still doesn't really make any sense, but whatevs. My boards rock.