Sunday, March 4, 2012

PEOPLE I (TRY NOT TO) JUDGE

You guys, I feel we've come far enough that I can be fully honest with you. Bare my soul. Expose the worst parts of my personality. Which is good, 'cause I've got something to get off my chest.

You see, I can be slightly judgmental. That's right, I judge people. And not just people who deserve it, like genocidal dictators or Scientologists. No, I also judge normal people that I don't even know, who are probably much, much better than I am in real life. For example...


1. People who own dogs that are smaller than my cat. Sorry, but if you are toting around some tiny yapper that can fit in a carry-on bag, then I assume you are an idiot. I don't harbor any ill will towards the dog; an animal can't help itself. But a human should have more self-respect.


2. People who have thin toilet paper. That's right. I notice. And I think that you are too cheap to fork over for the good stuff.  It's been pointed out to me that this is really, really stupid, because some people HAVE to use that kind of toilet paper because they live in old houses and the plumbing can't handle Charmin or whatever. Rah rah rah. Pony up for the expensive TP and save somewhere else, you big cheapskate.


3. People who watch reality TV. I realize that this includes just about everyone who lives in a first world country, but there you go. I think those shows represent the absolute worst of humanity and by watching them you are supporting the demise of civilization. That's right. You.


4. Joggers. I loathe joggers. I taught the kids to call joggers "suckers," which I think is hysterical (because it IS hysterical, although it can prove a tad embarrassing in certain situations). In fact, I judge not only joggers but anyone who belongs to a gym. Go DO something, for fuck's sake! Join a sports team! Build a house for poor people! But don't pay to get on a treadmill and run, getting nowhere and probably watching reality TV while you're at it.


5. People who have to split every bill. Like, if you go out every week with the same person, you can trade off. One night, you'll pick up the tab, and the next time it's the other person's turn. No, not for these assholes, with them it's all, "Oh, I had four beers so I owe $20! Take it! Take it!" As though you don't work together and aren't going to be back at the same bar next week doing the same exact thing.


6. People who don't have any books in their house. I don't care why. I don't care if you read a million books a year and donate them all to a hospital, or use the public library religiously, or whatever. If you don't have any books in your house you are a big freak.


7. Hipsters.


8. Wine snobs, and yes, Ted, I am talking to you. People who find is necessary to have a 20 minute conversation with the sommelier before ordering a bottle of wine are annoying. Either I have to sit there alone like a chump while you and the wine expert discuss vintages or I have to distract the rest of the table so they don't overhear your pretentious conversation and vomit on the table.


9. People who loved high school (Ted falls into this category as well). I believe that high school is a horrible rite of passage, a crucible that must be endured for you to become the person you're supposed to be in life. But what it is NOT is the best time of your life. And if it WAS, you were probably part of making someone else's high school experience hellish.

And finally...

10. People who have two first names. Like Brian Michael. Or Amanda George. I just don't trust 'em. Oddly enough, however, I love when people have two last names, like Huntington Miller, or Woodworth Clevenger. Just for example. Bonus points if you wear plaid pants.



You should know I am aware that none of these are valid reasons to judge anyone (with the possible exception of #7), and that I am trying every day to be better. It's not working very well, but I am trying. At least I'm aware that I'm a terrible person. And awareness is the first step, right? So there's that.

XOXOXO
ABC
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11 comments

Anonymous
March 27, 2012 at 8:24 PM

I was in complete and enthusiastic agreement with you until number 10 when you used my therapist's name as an example, a woman who incidentally shares a last name with my husband, son, and legally me!!! Oh and what toilet can't handle 2-ply? Not an excuse.

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