Monday, October 15, 2012


Now, now, hold on! I know what you're thinking: "Dude, I can't afford me no Tory Burch! What do you think, I'm made of money?" Just calm down. I understand, really I do. I can't afford me no Tory Burch either. But this blog is not only helpful and humorous (shut UP), it is also aspirational. And what that means, for all you dummies out there who don't understand the finer things in life (such as this blog), is that sometimes you will see things here that are more representative of what you want  your life to look like rather than what it actually does look like. This is known in certain circles as the "Facebook Filter."

I mean, if I only wrote about the clothes I could actually afford you'd be looking at a blank page. Which benefits no one. So I mix it up a little, and throw some fancy shit at you once in a while, and everyone's happy. Right? Right. Here we go.

For a long time I refused to admit that I liked anything from Tory Burch. While I have nothing against socialites in general except the fact that I'm not one, she rubs me the wrong way. And so much of her stuff is all logo-ed up within an inch of its life, and who wants that? Unless the logo is an H for Hermes, the double Cs of Chanel, or a subtle hint if Burberry plaid... And since I didn't like HER, I chose to believe that I didn't like anything she made, either. Whatever, I don't have to make sense ALL the time.

But when I saw her most recent line, I had to admit that I loved it. Almost all of it, as you will see from the insane amount of photos I am about to post. Let's start with dresses:

Anthea Dress, $350
How cute? I'd wear it with black tights and heels, not those nasty clashing magenta horrors, but whatever. The dress is adorable - look at that black rimmed collar and the gold buttons! And the sleeves are just long enough to cover up that unfortunate part of one's arms that jiggles around at the slightest provocation. Yay!

Cecily Dress, $395
That color! I love it. And I am very into the sash as well - being very high-waisted, belted things never belt at my actual waist, whereas a sash can be tied exactly where you want. And you can tell that this material feels amazing. Conservative enough for work and fancy enough for Ted's office holiday party (my company's holiday party is held in the cafeteria at 2 PM and there's no alcohol, so it might be a little much for that particular shindig).

Clementine Dress, $350
I. Love. This. Dress. The old-lady pattern, the random tie thingy at the neck, even the cap sleeves that aren't really long enough to cover my jiggly arms... I don't care, I love it all.

Natalia Short Caftan, $395
This color is incredible, and the sheer sleeves... Words fail me. I love the ruffle along the flattering v-neck and at the cuffs, too. This is probably not so appropriate for work unless your boss is Anna Wintour, but I'd wear it to the office anyway.

Sheila Dress, $395
You can't go wrong with a good navy, and this is a great navy. The low waist and the 3/4 sleeves are just icing on the cake, really. Throw some black tights on with this one, too, and you can wear it pretty much all year round.

Tammy Dress, $375
Yes, I know, this is another sash dress, but so what? I like them, OK? Get your own blog and write about the dress style YOU prefer, and get off my back. Jesus. Besides, I couldn't resist the color. Although I'm not sure WTF with the shoes. OK, enough dresses, let's move on to tops:

Alora Turtleneck, $225
If there's anything I like better than a dress with a sash, it's a turtleneck. And this is the best kind - a sort of convertible turtleneck. You can unzip that sucker if you get hot, or if you happen to run into a gentleman that you wish to impress with your cleavage, and then when you want to get cozy again, just zip 'er up. Also, this is long enough to cover your ass, literally, so you can wear it with super tight pants and not worry about everyone staring at your behind.

Angelina Turtleneck $350
This one isn't convertible, but who cares? It's to die for, with those long cuffs and matching neck. Despite what people will tell you, navy and black not only go together, they actually look amazing as this sweater proves. I want it. Buy it for me.

Betty Tee, $125
How cool is this? I'd wear it with black bootcut pants and heels, or a black wool miniskirt, black tights and heels, but the possibilities are plentiful. You could also pair it with a navy skirt, or pants in a red that matches the shirt (that red is everywhere this season, I've noticed, so you will be very "on trend").

Milton Cashmere Tee, $150
This is the perfect shade of pale, pale blush, and you can tell that it's the softest thing ever without even touching it. Also, those sleeves are the perfect length. You could wear this with almost anything, from black skinny ponte pants to worn jeans to the black wool miniskirt I mentioned earlier. Very versatile.

Mim Tunic, $295
I love a tunic, and not just because it covers my tush (OK, that's a big part of it). I love this one in particular because of the long, narrow sleeves and that cool leather collar closure. I would not, myself, wear it with leather pants, but I don't judge. I just think it would look better with skinny jeans, or ponte pants again but this time in the dark red color that's everywhere this season.

Stephanie Sweater, $200
Another turtleneck, yes, I'm sorry. It's ribbed, though, and has an awesome gold zipper. It would be the perfect extra layer for the fall, keeping you warm without making you look frumpy. I'd wear a tight tee underneath, probably white, and bootcut jeans in a perfect shade of blue. And with that, we're on to pants and skirts:

Celeste Wool Twill Pant, $295
See? I told you this color was ubiquitous right now. I don't care, I love it anyway. Throw these suckers on with mid-calf boots with a chunky but high heel, or a pair of velvet smoking loafers if you feel like flats. Add a crisp white shirt that buttons up the front. Tie a scarf around your neck, tuck the ends into your shirt, and you are ready for anything.

Theresa Wool Plaid Pant, $295
Plaid pants are the traditional garb of my people, so I am biased. But I love me some plaid pants. These are a bit on the tame side when it comes to color, but they'll do. I'd wear these with the same boots as the past above, along with a black cashmere sweater set and chunky gold jewelry. Then I'd ask Ted to shake me up a martini, which I'd sip slowly before I headed off to work. I jest! I'd pour that shit into a flask and bring it along to the office like a decent human being!

Dierdre Dash Tweed Skirt, $150
This would look lovely with that sweater set, or one in navy instead, but I'd skip those hideous shoes and stick with high-heeled black pumps or knee-high boots. The skirt is so conservative that you can do that without being mistaken for a hooker. Or at least you'll be mistaken for a very expensive hooker.

Wess Silk Twill Skirt, $350
This skirt is gorgeous! I love love love the bottom, how it gets full and the hem looks even a bit ragged. I'd wear it with the cardigan from that imaginary cashmere sweater set I made up earlier (the black one) along with a very fitted white tee, black tights, and heels.

That's it for clothes, but if you think I have forgotten accessories you are sadly mistaken:

Cole Enamel Clover Rosary Necklace, $195
Please, please consider buying this for me. I'd offer to pay you back, but I think we both know I'd be lying. I want it so much, though, and I can't help but feel that I deserve it. And it's not like I'm being impractical - it would go very nicely with almost all of the outfits I've discussed in this post.

Resin Labyrinth Cuff, $175
Again, just think about purchasing this as a gift. For me. I slave away to entertain you, week after week, it's really the very least you can do. While you're at it, I'd like two of them, please, one for each wrist - just think how striking! Anyway, no pressure. Sleep on it.

Marianne Pump, $325
Now, these are some lovely shoes. The heel is high, the pattern is subtle but definitely there, and the toe is round-ed, rather than totally round, making them very au courant. Who knows how comfortable they are, but really who cares? It's better to look good than to feel good, daaaarling ;)

Luisa Cape, $495
For quite a while now I have been longing for a cape, and this yet another one to add to my list. The cut is beautiful, and that material looks so, so soft. You just know that this is an incredibly cozy piece of outerwear. All you need to go with it is a pair of opera length, cashmere-lined gloves, which I happen to own. One day... One day.

Leather Tory Tote, $435
So close! I was So. Close. to finishing this whole post without highlighting a single item that was plastered with the Tory Burch logo that adorns much of her merchandise. But I couldn't help myself - this bag swept me off my feet with its sensible size (can hold my laptop), proper handles (long enough to wear over your shoulder if you so desire) and magnificent color. What can I say - I'm a sucker for plum.

There you have it. I was wrong. Once I looked with objective eyes, I was honestly swayed by the true awesomeness of Tory Burch's talent and the beauty of her label. As much as I hate to admit it.

So what do you think? What would you choose out of this stuff? Anything? Share with the group ;)


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October 15, 2012 at 10:32 AM

Very nice! I love the green dress and the teal(?) with the pretty ruffle-ly collar. I also like the red/oxblood pants. The tote is a gorgeous color but would be so much nicer without the logo. I lol'ed throughout this post!

October 26, 2012 at 2:13 AM

For all the ugly shoes in this post how did you not comment on the shoes in the Cecily Dress which are just fabulous! Not sure about the Theresa Wool Plaid Pants, those are a bit much. The Cole Enamel Clover Rosary Necklace isn't gong to go with as much as you think. The Leather Tory Tote is bad news bears, just let it go, if it didn't have the logo all over the place you would hate it. Love Love Love the commentary on the rest. At the end of the day I agree with your reasoning for making the post in the first place. Lets face it though who else is putting the time into posting such an amazing blog; if you want to hash tag my comment asshole I don't blame you.

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