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Saturday, July 28, 2012

MAMA NEEDS A BRAND-NEW (PINK) BAG

You may recall the pink dress I'll be wearing to my husband's brother's wife's sister's wedding:

Zara Dress


It has been pointed out to me, and none too gently, either, that the shoes and belt I had planned to go with it are an atrocity. "Don't ruin the pink dress with those awful shoes and that belt!" is one direct quote from a dear friend who shall remain nameless Meredith.

And I have to admit that she has a point. As soon as I posted those photos, I was like nooooooooooo! Those shoes are all wrong! And do I even need a belt? Won't it only accentuate the impression of a giant cloud of cotton candy tied in the middle with a string? WTF was I thinking? Especially when I already own these shoes:

Nine West Shoes

I sent a photo to Meredith, and this new ensemble was met with approval. But what about a bag? Yes, I have the soul of an 87 year old lady and need my shoes and bag to match. I know this rule has gone out the window along with no white pants before Memorial Day but I can't shake it.

So I went looking and promptly fell for this:

Yves Saint Laurent Clutch
But not having a spare $500 lying around, I didn't get too attached. Instead, I gracefully settled for this:







Coach Wristlet
Which is a mere $95 on Amazon and thus (barely) within my severely shortened grasp. And yes, that's a whole lotta pink going on. I'm not really sure how it's going to all work out, but as I said, I'll be sure and post photos. You know, as long as I look super cute.

XOXOXO
ABC
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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

FUCK-ME SHOES I CAN'T AFFORD

I am not even one of those women who is really into shoes. But even I have waaaay too many pairs. But I always want more. What IS it about shoes?? Anyway, here are the ones that I would buy right now if I a) won the lottery, b) wasn't married to a total cheapskate or c) was actually willing to have sex in exchange for shoes:

Bottega Veneta
I am in love with these. I would marry them in a heartbeat. I would even consider having sex in exchange for a pair, if I could find someone willing to take me up on that deal (highly unlikely). And they are practical! Well, relatively speaking. 

No Idea Who Makes These
These are perfect pale pink princess shoes, and they are sexy without being totally whore-ish. However, practical they are not.

Valentino
Heaven. The cut-outs? The strap in the middle? The super-high heel? I love it all. And the strap means that despite the super-high heel, they won't fall off your feet. I mean, you might fall off them, but that's another problem entirely.

Alexander McQueen
The grey/silver color is divine, and combined with the gold accents it's genius. Again, not the most practical of footwear, but whatever. 

Michael Kors

These are practical, on the other hand, and yet still manage to be totally sexy. And what the fuck are they anyway? Are they boots? Sandals? Pumps? Who knows. I need me a pair!

Lanvin
A-MA-ZING. The snakeskin compared with the ribbon bows at the back is perfection, and the color is just pink enough not to be neutral. And I would argue that while these are not going to be the shoes you wear most often, they are also not "limousine shoes." I mean, you could dress them up or down, you know?

Gucci
The color is what did it for me with this pair. I am a sucker for anything in the olive/army green family. Also, the t-strap is awesome and again means that you are unlikely to fall out of your shoes. Which is embarrassing. Or so I've heard.

Burberry
I know. I know. These are booties. And booties are generally man-repellers. But this pair is hot. LOOK at them, for Christ's sake! and I think that part between the straps is sheer. HOT.

Christian Louboutain

Yes, I know. Another pair of man-repelling booties. And these I can't really argue are so hot. But I love them with my whole heart anyway - that bow! Two shades of pink! And black trim, so you can wear them with black tights :)

Valentino
I don't really think these need any explanation.

Yves Saint Laurent
After olive green, I love purple. And these have the all important safety strappage. In addition, the high platform makes the incredibly high heel actually wearable.

So there you have it. Eleven pairs of shoes that would fill the hole in my heart that I've been drinking to try and make go away... Oh, I jest! I drink because it's fun, not to fill shoe-shaped holes in my heart! Don't be ridiculous. Now excuse me as I top off my glass...

XOXOXO
ABC
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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

DARLING DRESS DUO

OK, Hollen's wedding was AWESOME (though I wore neither of the blue dresses that I posted about). It had everything you want in a wedding: romantic ceremony, funny speeches, touching speeches, an amazing DJ (DJ Rumor, in case you're looking for a DJ in Connecticut), perfect weather, and a happy, happy couple.

But now I have two other weddings looming on the horizon. One is a swanky, late night, black-tie, hotel affair for my work partner. The other, for my brother-in-law's wife's sister (try and keep up), has the ceremony in a church during the day and the reception in a very cool museum later that evening.

I have come to you once again for sartorial advice. Although, to be totally honest, I have already decided. So really I'm just here to show you the two new dresses that I got so that I could figure out which dress to wear to which wedding myself. Hey, at least I'm honest.

Here is dress number one:

Front
Back
Close Up
This dress is from Zara, and costs (wait for it..) $49!!! It's adorable, and practically free, and looks like a tutu, all of which are huge pluses in my book. Well, not the free part, usually I could give a shit about that, but Ted has me on a very, well, stringent budget right now. It's not quite as adorable on me as it is on the model (go figure), but it's pretty cute. Although it's not the most flattering dress I've had on my body. I mean, I don't look like a total porker, but I do sort of resemble a cloud of cotton candy that has been tied around the middle with a string. But in a good way.

I'd accessorize with a skinny belt like this one:
Kate Spade
And wear these shoes (that I already own, Ted! Keep your fucking pants on!):

MICHAEL Michael Kors


Here is the second dress:

Front
Back
Close Up
This one is from BCBG, and was very difficult to find. It's no longer available on the BCBG site, so I had to turn to ShopStyle, (which, btw, is awesome!) and sure enough I found it on Net-a-Porter. And the best part? It was marked down from $400 to a mere $129. The problem? It was only available in a size 2. Which I am at some stores, but not so much at BCBG... So of course I bought it anyway, even though it was non-returnable. It fits. BARELY. But is much more flattering, once I have stuffed myself into it. I would accessorize it with a wider black satin sash:

From Etsy
And these shoes:

Badgley Mischka
BOTH of which I already own (TED!) so win/win, right? This dress ALSO sort of looks like a tutu, but in a more sophisticated way... if that's possible. And I love one love the pattern, and how the top is grey so the whole dress isn't' black because I hate wearing black to a wedding.

I'm sure that you've put two and two together and figured out what I'm going to do. The first dress is for the daytime church/museum reception wedding and the grey/black dress to the fancy black-tie affair.

I'll be sure and take photos at both so you can see the reality of what these outfits look like on a  real person as opposed to the beauty shots from the retailer. Unless I look like ass, or fat, in which case I ain't posting shit. Love you!

XOXOXO
ABC


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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

TENTHOFF FAMILY VACATION

I come from a small nuclear family; it was just me and my sister and our mom. But what I did have was a whole bunch of cousins, nine on my father's side alone. And while my sister and I were the youngest of the group, we all spent a lot of time together growing up and are all still really close.

Ted and I were the first of all our siblings to have kids but his sister and brothers followed suit super quickly, so we have gone from no kids to seven cousins in just 5 years:

William, 3; Christopher, 1 week; Andrew, 5;  Justin, 1;  Kyle, 2; Jason, 2; and Elizabeth, 4
Every summer the Tenthoff clan goes to South Carolina for a week in the summer. Why, you might be asking, as it seems like someone found the hottest, hardest-to-get-to place on the East Coast and chose it for the family vacation. I don't really have an answer for that, though I will say that after a few drinks (so at about noon) every day the topic of discussion seemed to trend towards whether or not there was somewhere closer than a 14-hour drive that we could convene instead.

But I digress. The great joy of the vacation, what makes it worth the drive (although it doesn't seem like it when we hit Richmond and realize we've been in the car for 6 hours and have 8 more to go) is getting to hang out with our siblings and watching the cousins grow up together.

Yes, it's corny, but it's also true. Even I, with ice water in my veins and a stony cold heart, have been known to smile at the sight of the kids all together:

Andrew, Elizabeth, and William Playing Candyland
Andrew and Elizabeth Walking Hand in Hand to the Beach
Happy Justin
Kyle with Helicopter
Storytime
Kyle and Andrew
Nikki and Justin
Jason and Anne
Elizabeth
William, Jason, Andrew and Elizabeth
I realize that this post may be giving you the mistaken impression that I actually spent any time with the kids. Oh, no, indeed. I admired the cousinly love from afar and had the sense to leave the room as soon as a fight over whose helicopter was whose broke out. My time was spent like this:

Me Sunbathing, Topless
That's right, I took it upon myself to bring sexy back to South Carolina, whether South Carolina (or my mother- and stepfather-in-law) were interested in said sexy. But who cares? By the time Friday rolled around, I was so relaxed I looked like this:

Me, Actually Relaxed
Of course, by then it was just about time to get back in the car for the 14 hour trek home. Good times.

XOXOXO
ABC


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Thursday, July 5, 2012

NEW TATTOO

I wanted to get another one, but I didn't really know what. And that's not something that you want to fuck up, what with a tattoo being permanent and all. I knew I wanted flowers, or something flowery. As much as I love the tattoos on my left arm, they look a little like prison gang tattoos, and I don't want to be mistaken for a member of the Latin Kings. I mean, that just leads to trouble.

Cherry blossoms are Ted's favorite flower. Every year we go to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden to see the cherry trees in bloom, and one year for his birthday I bought him a cherry tree, which we planted in the garden of our apartment in the city and then had to smuggle out after we sold the place, having failed to mention to the buyers that it wasn't staying.

I started collecting pictures like this:




So I went back to Matt at Tattoo Me and he drew something up. I have to be honest (sorry Matt), I didn't really think he could do it, even after I saw his drawings. I mean, I thought he'd get close enough, but I didn't expect it to be exactly what I was picturing.

I was wrong:


It's really bright, cause it's new, and normally I'd wait until it totally healed to post photos so it would look like it's really going to look, but since Matt already put a photo of it on Facebook (after he swore he wouldn't, but that's a story for another time) I figured what the hell.

I really love it:


The pictures aren't great because it's really hard to take a picture of your right arm when you're right-handed, so Ted had to take them and he kind of sucks at taking pictures. But trust me, it's awesome.

My mother is going to have a fit, though.

XOXOXO
ABC
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EXAMPLE #148 WHY TED IS A BETTER PARENT

Happy Fourth of July, you guys! We spent the day with Ted's dad and stepmother in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey. I know, I hate New Jersey too, but it's where their house happens to be; they can't help it.

Anyway, there's a big backyard and a slip-and-slide for the kids. I have never been on a slip-and-slide. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was an adult before I even saw one. This is a big shock to people who grew up the country (Ted) who apparently grew up slipping and sliding all over the fucking place. I still don't really get what it is and fail to see the charm.

But Ted's parents have no pool (I keep telling them to get rid of the tennis court because they all suck at tennis and put in a pool for me. This campaign has been going strong for 9 years and has, so far, been completely unsuccessful) and it was hot. So Ted got busy setting up the slip-and-slide for the kids:





Meanwhile, I was helping Ted  playing with the kids  hanging out with the family  sitting in a chair and sulking:


The bandage on my arm is not evidence of an attempt to off myself; it's covering a new tattoo. Which fucking hurts. I got it last night and while I have several others, this one is way more of a big deal, all colors and bigger and it took what seemed like FOREVER to do (which also hurt like a mofo). It's awesome. But it was kind of sore and I was super cranky and just generally unpleasant company.

So after watching the kids have an amazing time on the stupid slip-and-slide:




I went to take a nap. Why is it that a nap can fix 99% of all problems? I don't know, but when I woke up I was almost bearable to be around. We gave the kids a giant pack of sparklers to set off, and then it was time to go home.

So who would you vote for in a Better Parent contest: A) The tattooed slacker mom in a bad mood who took a two hour nap or B) The cheerful dad who set up a slip-and-slide and played with the kids all afternoon? You know what, never mind. I'll gracefully concede today to Ted. Tomorrow, after all, is another day :)

XOXOXO
ABC
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