Saturday, March 29, 2014


So having run through most of my friends and relations (or at least those I could boss into "hiring" me), I turned to the World Wide Web to find a new client. And much like chocolate and wine, I find that the Internet rarely disappoints. Readers, I convinced a stranger he was in desperate need of my expertise (I was right).

Let me start by saying: Kids, don't try this at home! It is not safe to "meet" people online and definitely do not let them attempt to hire you! And never agree to actually meet them, like in real life where they could kill you! That is crazy talk!

Now that that's out of the way, first of all he wasn't a stranger stranger, he was a friend of a friend...sort of. Look, it's a long story, OK? Don't worry about it. I didn't end up chopped up into bits and stashed in anyone's freezer so just calm the fuck down. Jeez. He lives like 100 miles away, which is a really long way to go to kill someone.

You may be wondering how the hell I worked my magic in his bedroom (that came out wrong, but you know what I mean) if he lives so far away. Well, none of this would have been possible without the miracle of modern technology, and I'm not (just) talking about Facebook. I'm talking about Room Sketcher, an amazing site that lets you create a 3D floorplan of a room, or even an entire house or apartment or whatever. So my new client took photos of his bedroom and gave me the dimensions, and I was on the job.

I will admit that had I seen exactly what the job was, I might have been a little less hasty in accepting it. Client #11 was living in what can charitably be described as a crack den. I'm not kidding:

I can't even...
I Don't Know WTF With the Fan in the Middle of Winter
I Also Don't Know How The Cat Looks EXACTLY The Same In Two Pictures
You will see that I wasn't fucking kidding. BUT. He is actually an awesome guy - smart, funny, like a father to his 9-year-old niece, and obviously a fairly secure person since he is letting me show these pictures to all twelve fifteen of you guys. Most importantly, he was willing to "try a new look" (Shut up! I was being diplomatic!). So once I stopped trying to figure out how he hadn't ended up on an episode of Hoarders and got to work with my fancy 3D floorplan website, things moved pretty fast.

I'm Not Sure Why the Ceiling is Tan
Or Why I Can't Close the Virtual Closet Door
The Bed Looks Weird Because It's Two Beds, One on Top of the Other (Don't Ask)
The cool thing (well, one of many cool things) about Room Sketcher is that you can dictate the dimensions of the furniture, so you really see what will work and what won't in the space you have.

TIP: It helps if you put in the correct measurements for the room, which at first I did not, so I had like a whole bench-at-the-end-of-the-bed thing going on for a while, and there were several IM fights with the client over whether or not it would fit before I realized I was the idiot. #winning

This concludes Part 1; tune in for Part 2, in which you'll see if I manage to make my virtual dream a reality, and I also meet Client #11 in person and live to tell the tale!


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