Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Not to point out the obvious, but it's been a while. All fifteen of my devoted readers have probably been wondering "WTF???" and I am here with an answer. Don't panic, the "something important" is not this blog (cue sighs of relief).  What has ended is my marriage (cue sounds of horror). No, no, it's all right. I'm OK. The kids are going to be OK. It has just been a long seven months and my energy has been focused elsewhere.

Not only can I pinpoint with almost uncomfortable accuracy the beginning of the end, I have professional photographs of it. And to make the whole thing more surreal, in every photograph we look like the perfect family (so don't waste time envying all your Facebook friends whose lives seem so great in the pictures they post).
If you share your life using social media, be it on Facebook, Instagram, a blog, or whatever, it's up to you what to display and what to keep private. Personally, I believe in opening up about the good and the bad, in getting as close as possible to some approximation of the truth. So while I have design projects to show, parenting fails to share, and lots to say about everything in general, this has to come before I can move on with all of the above.

I want to be honest and open about the huge changes in my life, but the reason it has taken a long time to be able to write about it all is that there really are no words. And I am someone who doesn't know what to do when words are not enough.

I have had family members struggle with addiction and mental illness, my father died when I was 26, I deal with my own depression and anxiety every day - I am no stranger to difficult times. Yet I have never, ever experienced such emotional pain and heartbreak. And it's not over, not even close. The details have been settled, the papers are signed, the divorce is done, but the healing is slow. I don't know what the fuck Gwyneth Paltrow was talking about with that business about "conscious uncoupling,"and "we're closer than ever" when she got divorced, but it annoyed me then and now it makes me want to punch her in the face.

Right now, here is what I know: Ted and I are no longer married. I have moved to a new house in a new state. The boys are with him some of the time and with me some of the time. I believe that things will get better.

And while they do, I'll be turning this new house into a home, working on the second project with my first client (a pink bedroom!), and wondering why two small boys need several Nerf guns each and a million rounds of ammo to be happy (I spend their time here picking up foam bullets and putting down toilet seats).

I'm even looking forward to the holiday season - I have candles and wreaths for every window, pre-lit "pine" boughs, and am basically counting the days till December 1st, which I have been informed is the earliest appropriate date to start decking the halls. The family that's gathered around the fireplace this year will look different, and it will be a different fireplace with new stockings, but that's OK. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's going to be awesome.


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November 11, 2014 at 8:20 PM

The first year is the hardest. You're past the halfway mark. It will get better. It will be different but it will be better! xoxo

Laura Tancredi
November 11, 2014 at 9:17 PM

Ok so first of all. congratulations and i'm sorry. i have so much to say and i'm so NOT posting it on facebook! (and some of it i won't even write it here). oh how refreshing to hear you so bluntly put it all out there - social media so completely skews people's lives and perspectives - mine own as well. those postcard families, vacations, smiles, blah blah blah.

I would NEVER have knows you were going through this. having been divorced once already with two young children (ages 6 and 3 at the time) = please feel free to message me! i am desperate to talk to other women about their marital issues. the rough stuff, the heart of it but there is NO room to do so on social media so i have taken to privately messaging.

social media truly makes these picture perfect lives but once i communicate directly and privately i usually (though not always) find a different story. In any event. i am so curious as to the details of how you are, what went wrong, and what you are doing now. I find it so important. I would have to say it took me about 3 years to feel some normalcy but i only put this time frame on it looking back. at the time i felt like all was well.

now married again, with its own host of issues i can't help but want to continue the relationship conversation with brutal honesty. so in any event i'm all ears if you want to facebook message or email laura@global-children.org, not just for your sake but mine as well.

November 12, 2014 at 12:26 AM

Jessica - Thank you so much. You are a true example of how much better things can be, and how to get there with dignity and grace. An inspiration!

Laura - I so appreciate you sharing your experience. And I couldn't agree more about social media. That's why I try so hard to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I honestly believe that social media can be a force for good when people are honest; it's such an opportunity for us to realize that whatever we're going through, chances are we are not alone. I will be in touch via email :)


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